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2011 -- One Thing

I've been avoiding silence, avoiding it a lot -- but this morning I finally sat down in the middle of my living room in half-lotus, turned off the music, and dared the silence.

The words came immediately, gently but insistently asking why I was avoiding the silence. What was I afraid of?

The answer tumbled up easily: I'm afraid that if I am silent I'll be in touch with what I really want, and then I'll have to do something about it. And I've been so very tired these past few years. The thought of needing to do more than I already am is frightening.

But I'm not where I've been these past few years, and unless I put effort into change, things are going to stay the way they are.

What is the one thing you want most? the voice asked.

And I answered: I want to be an established and respected practitioner in my chosen field -- spirituality -- not wasting all my time away at a support job that does no more than preserve my status quo. "Spirituality" can encompass spiritual direction, writing, workshops.

That's it then: my one resolution for the year.

I'm going to have to work on it in a way I haven't yet, in the way I once worked on the rocket company, or my graduate school, or my independent theatrical productions.

I have to believe I can do it. I haven't been ready for that before.

This year I am whole again.

It's time to do more than get by.

I can do it.

I stopped to read the preview before posting this, and immediately felt a twist of embarrassment. How many times have I made this kind of resolution before? How many times have I failed?

It's only failure if you stay down and accept failure.
If you get back up, it's a new start on the spiral path.

I am getting the hell back up. Again.
And I will do so as many times as is necessary.


Queen of Swords

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