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No Longer Fighting

It's been a week of psychological and spiritual insights and breakthroughs, not all of which have made it onto LJ.

This morning's realization: of course I'm exhausted and stressed. The last three-plus years have been literally a live-or-die struggle, even if the "enemy" was all internal. Of course I'm out of touch with my heart. It's been the center of my pain for so long, it's built up a protective barrier around it to prevent any more hurt.

I've been starting to relax this week, really and truly relax. I don't have to fight just to get through the day and fearing the consequences if I fail. I'm treating my convalescing heart gently, tenderly, making it safe for it to feel again, however tentatively.

There is a stage beyond "acceptance" -- at least as I am experiencing it. It's like the 'physical therapy' stage after the cast comes off. I'm slowly getting used to *not* being in pain, to not living in a tightly-curled-up ball, to not feeling desperately unhappy all the time.

It's a slower process than I would have realized. . . but it feels really, really good. . .

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Queen of Swords

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