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Ready for Change

The retreat this past weekend was an extremely benficial experience for me. Yesterday afternoon I posted to Facebook: "Today -- three years, six months, and two weeks after uncrowned_king's death -- I find myself finally giving myself permission to truly be happy again."

I did a lot of journaling over the weekend; it was the primary activity of the retreat. I wanted to dig down as far as I could to get in touch with what was important, what I've lost track of over the past several years.

What I found was something I have known for quite a while -- even blogged about here -- but had not been ready to face up to or change: that I dislike the shape my life has taken, and it's more than grief that's caused it. I've become so caught up in duty that I've lost my joy. I've become one of "those" women: the ones who are so busy caring for others and being "good mothers" and "good daughters" that they've stopped truly nurturing themselves. I didn't used to be like that.

I think the change began with my marriage. I should never have married my Ex -- not because he was a bad person, but because we were a bad match, and in marrying him I bowed to convention and ignored the small voices that told me it was a bad idea. I have no idea what my life would have looked like if I'd been true to myself at that juncture; maybe I would have made some other big mistake -- but looking back, that was the first step on the slippery slope of self-betrayal.

Now that Wolfling is a teen she needs less constant attention. She still needs me, and I'm happy to be here for her, but she needs space as well as support. It's time for me to be more deliberate and conscious about taking quality time for myself, not just frittering away the hours when I'm not "on duty."

The other thing I did on the island was a ritual affirming that spirituality, not conventional career, is the focus of my life, releasing the last bits of guilt and shame over not having a professional career. In this, I have followed my heart, and it's time to stop feeling shame about the consequences. I still would like a job that's more satisfying and pays better, but that's simply a matter of wanting to enjoy my daily life more. It's not because I'll feel bad about myself if I don't claw my way out of the admin corps again.

When I started this journal, I was in seminary, I was creative, I was growing. I miss that woman. I can't be her again, but I want to be as vital as she was again. I want to have an interesting, fun life. I want to enjoy my life again. And the only way for that to happen is to allow some very deep changes to occur.

I spent a lot of time watching the tides shift this weekend. I've certainly seen it before, but this weekend it seemed especially miraculous. My tides have been out for a long time. It's time for fullness again.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 18th, 2010 04:15 pm (UTC)
While I did not have to go thru the death of my spouse, I have found myself in a similar state lately. Like you, I've journaled about it here.

Wishing you the best as you take this new path, and thank you for sharing your experience.
Oct. 18th, 2010 05:22 pm (UTC)
*nods and witnesses*
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


Queen of Swords

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