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"I have of late--but
wherefore I know not--lost all my mirth, forgone all
custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily
with my disposition that this goodly frame, the
earth, seems to me a sterile promontory. . .

For the past couple of months I've felt as if I've reached the "Acceptance" phase of my grieving for Lohain. His loss is no longer a sharp and constant pain. I'm used to his absence; it has become normal to me. I no longer spend hours a day dwelling on his death and all that I lost.

And yet. . . .

I can't say that I've fully accepted my own ongoing life.

I'm sure unemployment doesn't help.
For the past few weeks I've felt like I'm losing the battle with entropy.
My projects are stalled out, my spiritual life the tiniest trickle of energy.

It's hard to bring myself to care.

There is no joy in my life, and I don't know where or how to find it.

Some days it feels as if when Lohain left his body he took all my joy, all my capacity for joy, with him.

I no longer weep every day, or even every week. But I no longer sing, I seldom laugh.
I'm not happy.

I just am.

At the same time, I've been making some spiritual breakthroughs that hint at deeper, older issues which are finally surfacing for me to deal with. I'm certain that's part of what's making it hard right now. The issues are ones of restraint, of inhibition, of denial. I think I'm finally starting to face the roots of the semi-paralysis that has dogged me all my life. Unfortunately, the process seems to be exacerbating my desire to crawl into a den, tuck my head under my tail, and hope it will all just pass over me, or that I'll simply go into a deep sleep and be able to avoid it.

It's all tangled up together, and I am really, realy missing the energy and encouragement of my yang warrior-king.

[Who appears at my elbow, his eyebrow raised, when I write about him as if he is not here, not ready and willing to help me.]

And to go back to my original thought when I started this post: I not only have no joy in my life right now, part of me feels indifferent about ever experiencing joy again. Or maybe I'm just too afraid to expose myself to the implications of the lack, and end up grieving about that too. Or I'm afraid of what it will mean if I do experience joy without him in my life.

I don't like my life very much right now.

I haven't liked it much since he left me.

I feel like all I can do is keep moving forward, doing the best I can to live as richly as I can. I can not give in to the grief. I can not give in to the gray. I can not give in to entropy and the desire to take false refuge in slumber, in hibernation.

But gods, do I miss the feeling of his arms around me. . .


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 10th, 2009 07:13 pm (UTC)
Have you asked Lohain how he feels about the lack of joy in your life? What would he say if you found joy again?
Aug. 10th, 2009 07:29 pm (UTC)
Yes, we've been talking about it, and he definitely wants me to have joy. It gives him no pleasure to see the woman he loves struggling to mind meaning and pleasure in life.

He's helping.
Aug. 10th, 2009 07:55 pm (UTC)
And WOW on the name change! Didn't see that coming. Mazel Tov.
Aug. 10th, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC)

I've been casting around for a while -- a couple of months, actually. I'd been pondering going back to QoS, but that's never felt quite right. This name hit me this morning, during a conversation with Lohain.
Aug. 10th, 2009 10:11 pm (UTC)
We are always in a condition of becoming.

You are much better equipped now to handle grief and sadness that comes with all cycles than you were a couple of years ago. I have followed your journal and seen that even when you were the most down - even angry - you never got bitter. That is a HUGE thing.

Sometimes you have to just live life as if all of your dreams are coming true. . . often, little by little, you find that they are.

Sending light.
Aug. 10th, 2009 10:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the affirmation. I've tried very hard to make this awful process one of growth and deepening, not disintegration. Times like these are very hard, because sometimes it feels like all the growth I've thought I was achieving was illusory. Intellectually I know it's not. . . but the dark hours aren't exactly prone to being illuminated by intellect.
Aug. 11th, 2009 11:58 am (UTC)
Slings and arrows notwithstanding, you are well advised by him to resist the refuge of slumber. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause. If you believe something of you remains after your mortal life, then surviving-- nay, thriving and dancing and soaking up the juice of this short life-- is your obvious better choice.

I'd reckon he'd be sad to see you give in to entropy now. After all, entropy's arrow only points one way. The dream you enter would begin with a sad note indeed.

Fight on. There is no other way.
Aug. 11th, 2009 05:45 pm (UTC)
I know. . . and I really didn't mean "death" when I wrote about sleep -- although I should have been more careful about my word choice considering what I opened with!

Some days I just want to hibernate, then come back out when conditions are more favorable. But of course, hibernating like that only means things are even more urgent and stressful when you come back. I've been pushing gently. This will cycle and pass, and eventually come back again. . . and then I'll get through it again. . .
Aug. 14th, 2009 01:01 am (UTC)
Oh. Then never mind. :) On the positive side of this misunderstanding, I've started reading Hamlet again! It came after Julius Caesar in the Riverside Shakespeare, so I kind of drifted into it since the play was on my mind. (I was reading JC because I just finished Season 2 of Rome... oh so good...)
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )


Queen of Swords

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