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Cherish

I had an important realization the other day, and have been working through the various implications since then.

I realized that I miss the feeling of being cherished, of being an important priority to someone else, of having someone else take delight in simply being around me and making choices to be with me and share with me rather than doing other things.

This realization is rooted in processing I've been doing around romantic relationships, but I gradually realized that it had implications beyond that. I've experienced it most vividly in romance, but it's also a quality of close, active friendships.

I don't have many close, active friendships these days.
I don't have any old friends whom I see regularly.
I have only a couple of friends who I feel I can call up any time, for any reason or no reason at all -- and they are all long distance.

This situation is very much my own responsibility.

I’ve been very indrawn over the past couple of years due to my grief. I haven’t had much energy for cherishing anyone else, and I certainly can’t blame others for not investing energy and emotion in me if I haven’t been in a position to reciprocate. Black holes are not fun to hang out with, and they're emotionally exhausting.**

The only way to change that is to start cultivating my old friendships again and building new ones -- and making sure that I'm more focused on giving and being available than I have been.

I do know that I have friends who sincerely care about me.
I am not boo-hooing that "nobody cares".
This is about having let the ties that bind go slack from my side and wanting to change my behavior.


I'm never going to be someone who spends a lot of time "out and about."
I'm still an introvert with limited social energy.
I don't know what the best balance of "me" time and "friends" time will be.
But I do know that if I keep hoarding my emotional resources the way I have been I'm going to end up with very few friends at all.


I'm really hoping that is not coming across like a whine, nor as if I'm fishing for reassurances that people care about me. I do know people care. This is about me taking responsibility for feeling lonely, and deciding to do something to change that.


** oakmouse deserves several dozen gold medals for hanging on with me through the worst time of my life.

Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
nicanthiel
Jul. 6th, 2009 05:29 pm (UTC)
I think it's a general thing that happens to a lot of people after a serious emotional blow. But I'm glad you're taking the initiative to open back up and nurture your friendships again. :)
wlotus
Jul. 6th, 2009 09:23 pm (UTC)
This doesn't sound the least bit like a "whine" to me.

I look forward to reading about your adventures with your new friends, as you meet them.
silvergoth
Jul. 7th, 2009 05:39 pm (UTC)
You are *not* coming across as whining or feeling sorry for yourself. You are coming across as self-aware and introspective.

You looked happier and healthier last night than I ever remember seeing you, not that I have many data points.

Congratulations on the realizations you are making! It feels like you've had some sort of positive breakthrough.
qos
Jul. 7th, 2009 06:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the affirmation.

It's been at least two months -- maybe three -- since we last saw each other, and I've done a lot of healing work around my grief over the loss of both my triad partners (one dead, one break-up), plus made some positive changes in eating and exercise. It's nice to know that the work has made a visible difference!
oakmouse
Jul. 7th, 2009 05:55 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I wish I'd been more available lately.
oakmouse
Jul. 7th, 2009 05:56 pm (UTC)
Hit "post" accidentally. :-p

You weren't that exhausting, really; a lot of what you did on the phone with me was not venting but processing, and that makes a difference (at least, with you it does).
qos
Jul. 7th, 2009 06:17 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the affirmation.

But I do remember that a lot of that processing was accompanied by a lot of tears.
oakmouse
Jul. 7th, 2009 09:00 pm (UTC)
Yes, it was, but tears are a reasonable form of release unless taken to excess --- and you didn't.
qos
Jul. 7th, 2009 09:24 pm (UTC)
*hug
qos
Jul. 7th, 2009 06:16 pm (UTC)
*hug

Please don't feel bad about it!

I haven't felt abandoned at all.
You've had a lot to deal with lately, and I've actually been in a pretty good place.
oakmouse
Jul. 7th, 2009 09:02 pm (UTC)
I'm glad, because I've been feeling as though I've been far too much out of reach. But yeah, been kind of overwhelmed by my own life and health. (*Shakes fist at Hornsby's*)
qos
Jul. 7th, 2009 09:28 pm (UTC)
One of the things I've always felt comfortable with about our friendship is that we both understand that resources of time and energy are finite, and they sometimes trump desire and good intention.

There *may* have been a time when I really felt I needed you and you didn't have the resources to respond, but I honestly can't remember it.
oakmouse
Jul. 8th, 2009 02:05 am (UTC)
One of the things I've always felt comfortable with about our friendship is that we both understand that resources of time and energy are finite, and they sometimes trump desire and good intention.

Oh, definitely. This is very important to me too, and I appreciate and value it.

There *may* have been a time when I really felt I needed you and you didn't have the resources to respond, but I honestly can't remember it.

I'm very glad to hear that! *hugs*
rocket_jockey
Jul. 8th, 2009 03:51 pm (UTC)
Speaking as an Old Friend, am looking forward to having a chance to have some visit time if such appeals to you?
qos
Jul. 8th, 2009 04:29 pm (UTC)
I would like that very much.

You're one of those I ended up saying no to more often than I really liked.

And I would like to talk about Tai Chi again!
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )

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