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Anniversary Approaching

This Sunday is the second anniversary of uncrowned_king's death.

Yesterday I realized that I no longer look for him when I come into my house.

Then I realized that I no longer suffer the near-constant pain of feeling like my life has a gaping hole in it.

Then I felt a rush of guilt.

Then I tried to step back and release the guilt.

It's normal.
It does not dishonor the dead.

Then the processing of the guilt over healing resurfaced my original grief.
It's nowhere near as bad as it was before, but it's still there.
That's comforting.
I don't wallow in it.
I don't want to keep kicking it up.
But I never, never want to feel "okay" that he died.

Is not feeling a constant absence in my life the same thing as "being okay with it"?
I don't think so.

Every month that passes marks a reduction in the intensity of my grief. Will it reach a final bottoming out? Will I reach a place where peace and grief coexist comfortably and are stable? Maybe I'm already there. Over the past few days I've felt like I've reached the end of my formal grieving. If this were another time and place, I'd start wearing colors again.

But I still wear my wedding ring.
That doesn't change.
Losing him in the flesh was not losing him utterly.

It complicates things.
But some things remain simple, fundamental.

I am my beloved's and he is mine.

I can live with that.

I can live.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 30th, 2009 06:35 am (UTC)
*snugs and love*
May. 30th, 2009 06:41 am (UTC)
May. 30th, 2009 01:13 pm (UTC)
Yes, I think you are right. The healing allows the raw, razor sharp edge of grief to fade. The scar remains, but the pain is not as acute. For me, the memories that once were accompanied by waves of grief now illicit a different feeling.

And I believe that the essence of our spirit allows for making room for many in our hearts. Each love is unique, and cannot be replaced with another. Each person who enters our lives brings with them something that we need to move further down the path.

None of us who have felt the pain of this kind of loss will ever forget, or become "okay" with it. But I think we can come to a point where we incorporate it fully into our journey, embrace the continuing manifestations of their presence, and be ready to meet them on the other side.
May. 30th, 2009 11:20 pm (UTC)
You're in my thoughts. And mine are another pair of virtual arms hugging you.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


Queen of Swords

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