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Another Step Forward in Healing

Two weeks from today it will be the second anniversary of Lohain's death. A week or so after that it will be the third anniversary of our first meeting, our first kiss.

It would not be an understatement to say that my life was utterly transformed by each of those events, and that where I am now would be almost inconceivable without having gone through both of them.

My grief continues its gradual, meandering journey of healing. It's a process, not a specific point one reaches. Today I marked a new milestone in that journey: I created a playlist for him/us that is all happy songs -- 45 of them (okay, 42 and three quotes). That would have been impossible a year ago at this time. Even six months ago I needed to have the acknowledgement of the loss and a voice for my pain. Now, I'm leaving that pain behind most of the time. (I don't think it will ever entirely go away.)

Releasing the pain does not mean releasing him. I didn't understand that when I was in the earliest stages of starting to feel better. It felt then as if not hurting as much would mean that he was less important to me. It turns out that the pain is its own thing. My connection with Lohain is separate. The diminishment of the pain does not mean the loss of the connection. If I were a different person, with a different spirituality and need to release the relationship in order to "move on with my life" perhaps it would be different.

Instead, the freedom from pain means that I can concentrate more clearly on my spiritual path and the ongoing connection with him through spirit, instead of having the work make me even more intensely aware of the separation.

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Queen of Swords

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